you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
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I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
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his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
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