tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
