Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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