My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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