i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I need to stop coming to work sober
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I still have a little drunk in my system
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
