He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
