I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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