Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
