How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
