Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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