I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
