i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Bring me that man meat
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
