he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My dick has a subreddit
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
