So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
