He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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