I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
