I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
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I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
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Be still, my beating vagina.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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