I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
