Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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