mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
