Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
