You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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