The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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