made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
