I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
