Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
