Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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