Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize