guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
