I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
