even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
