You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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