So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
I'm going to Hell for sure
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
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I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
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I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie