Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
