I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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