I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
