My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
