Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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