oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
