Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
