you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
