i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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