i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
