Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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