Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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