Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
