Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
