she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
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I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
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I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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