I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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