need another drink. this is the easiest way
Too much gin, very little bucket
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
