They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
