I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
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I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
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For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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