Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
