It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
