Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
