I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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