So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
