You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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