Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
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My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
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He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize