My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
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she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
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why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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